I don’t even believe in a real love that lasts anymore.
How terrible to feel hopeless about ever being able to keep a love. I am willing to admit it is partially my fault. I don’t choose love wisely. I attach to the man who puts in the least amount of effort. I think I hide in love. I put on the cloak of someone else and hide from reality. Maybe I find peace and anonymity in my new cloak. But, as time passes, I want myself again. I get an itchy scratchy feeling that makes me want to rip off my clothes and run for the closest river. I need myself. As much as I want to drown her, hide her, kill her and punish her; I love parts of her so much.
My latest Man Candy Crazy has told me that I have “stolen” every holiday from him over our past year-long relationship. It feels jolting to have someone describe my fondest memories as a crime of injustice. Injustice against his Narcissistic need to be “alone” on holidays and weekends. This Man is from another country, has no relatives here and I have been his family for a year. This is Stupid Me, as usual. You see, I have a problem where I see a man alone and believe he wants a happy life, too. I think if I am a reliable, loving girlfriend, then he will, of course reciprocate. It takes an angry fight with him to find out that the life I have been nurturing and creating for us was MY fantasy. Alone. He values being independent and solitude at all times, while I valued connection and bonds.
Here is where I begin to scream inside: I am not so sure I really value that connection. Perhaps, my cloak is what conceals my desires from myself. Years with Narcissists have worn me down and warped my idea of how lovers behave. This emotionally unavailable Narcissist theme is prevalent in my life. Apparently, I believe that unavailable men are secretly susceptible to my love and will suddenly love me and only me. I never have a conscious recognition that these men are unavailable, but they are always the same. My ridiculous gift for feeding egos is like a mating call for the rarely-seen-by-most Beast: The Narcissist! And he is seen grazing in his natural habitat: MY BEDROOM.
So, Mr. Worldwide explains that he prefers to be alone and does not want to be a part of my White people world (his term). He also says that if I fix myself, he wants to stay in the relationship. Oh dear. That is troubling, indeed. It is amazing how if I go fix myself not to need anything from him, I can have the glorious honor of his presence in my life. (Although, clearly NOT on holidays, weekends or any other day deemed too interesting to include me.)
Today, we had a discussion about my ongoing insistence of asking him to actively participate in my life. Tut tut, I should be ashamed! I recognize this face. I almost wanted to say “Well hello, old Friend! I suspected you were lurking in there, but now I know for sure. My dear, familiar nemesis, The Narcissist. Welcome home, Sir, welcome home.”
Now, kindly leave and please don’t eat me.