3rd verse….Same as the 1st

Tonight I feel physically sick. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach that I am in a mess that is going to be hard to fix. I am unemployed, not by choice. I am alone on a holiday because my kids are with their Dad. And to add to my misery, my boyfriend is working and unable to come into town. I feel sick because all of these things are causing me pain. Like the deep in your chest pain that makes you too sick to sleep or think or speak. I HATE this feeling. The feeling that my entire world has exploded into little prickly needles stabbing at my heart. I was almost successful in ignoring all of my feelings about my life. I have tried everything possible to numb or kill the pain. I have tried food, denial, community service, drowning myself in my boyfriend and finally I have come to reality.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Your feelings. Oh. Go away.

I wish I had made some sort of progress in the last 2 years. I had grand dreams of becoming self-aware and ready to take on the universe. Instead, I am miserable with myself. I love my personality and talents, but the way I treat Me is ridiculous. As if I had not suffered enough from my emotionally devoid childhood and marriage…I keep setting up the same scenario over and over again. Emotionally unavailable men and emotionally unavailable Me.

I wonder what I am missing out on while I pretend to be happy and “play” relationship. I wonder what I could have that is part of a real life…. if I can just get out of mine.

This entry was posted in advice, anger, Arrogance, break up, confessions, Dating, Decisions, Divorce, Ego, feelings, insight, Life, Love, Men, Regret, Relationships, sadness, Women and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to 3rd verse….Same as the 1st

  1. W J Corbett says:

    How did I miss this post? I ask myself but,I really super enjoyed it this evening. I don’t enjoy the empty feelings of being unattached while going out with someone but in knowing that someone else has had the same feelings I have had,is a share that works for me tonight! The only thing that I wonder is this…did you feel better once you realized everything? Did it put things in enough perspective to move on a bit more happily?
    I sure hope so!!
    Love your story-telling,especially the way it feels as I read.
    Keep it up,my wonderful,beautiful and mysterious friend!!

  2. Thank you sooooo much baby! NO, I am not any better off than when I posted this. I am glad I grabbed a moment of clarity and wrote it down. I am really at my breaking point with the relationship as you will see from my next post. Thank you for your support…you are the beautiful one! xoxo

    • W J Corbett says:

      I look forward to it!
      When you get to the “breaking-point”,do you look to see where the fault lay? I had such an easy time of saying it was them and they seem to be the same exact person,over and over again,in a different skin with (maybe) a different name…and then I realized:
      1) Even if I didn’t choose them,because most fittingly,they always seem to find me and ask me out…but,I am the one that said yes to them,already knowing that I have dated her I just have to learn her newest name.
      So…a few years back I realized these things:
      I am attracted to attractive.
      I am attracted by attractive.
      I am attracted to,and by,fast,flirtatious and funny.
      I have only been with one that wasn’t amazing in the bedroom (kitchen,livingroom,hallway,front lawn,on the beach (with towel precautions),in doorways of businesses after hours,indoorways of businesses during hours….
      *and I found out that I already knew she wasn’t before i went out with her*
      With each and every one of them,they always “said” they wanted a “real” relationship but I never felt the words as they approached me.
      Whenever I approached (or they approached) a “serious” conversation about intense “real” relationships,the intensity ended up being intensely satiated by side-bar sex…that never seemed to bring the conversation back afterward.

      So,for a wrap-up,I am attracted to,and by,attractive,fast,flirty and funny,sexually amazing and matching partners that are open to every option that sex will allow but they (and possibly I) have a real lack of commitment…which makes for no “real” relationships.

      So I stopped having relationships. I have had a few “friends with benefits” with the express knowledge (by both of us) that ‘it is what it is’ and not anything more…ever. I have also lost a few f.w.b. because it didn’t go any further,or wouldn’t go any further,or couldn’t go any further.

      Gosh,this turned into quite a lengthy reply…

      Suffice it to say,I love your writing,I connect with your writing,keep writing!


  3. Pingback: love…life…happiness….and “emotionally unavailable men..or is that…emotionally unavailable me..” « overseashottieandme

  4. I guess I was having a strange extended moment of my own and missed out on a lot of reading and keeping up this summer. Sorry! You say “The feeling that my entire world has exploded into little prickly needles stabbing at my heart.” Uhh, I can so so relate to that. I think such things are the beginning of alcoholism for many people lol, just to relieve even the physical feeling part of it all. I wish I had words to help people with such deep emotions, but all I can say is that I understand and I’m 100% sure it’s possible to get beyond it and be better than ever (but I’m still working on that part myself lol)
    Many heartfelt hugs to you

    • Thank you! I have come to accept that I feel these things so dramatically at times. Luckily, I don’t walk around everyday so raw and open. I just remind myself of exactly what you said…it will pass and the next overwhelming feelings will probably be good ones. Strangely enough, even the good emotions cause me anxiety. It all makes for good writing inspiration, though. 🙂

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