Tonight I feel physically sick. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach that I am in a mess that is going to be hard to fix. I am unemployed, not by choice. I am alone on a holiday because my kids are with their Dad. And to add to my misery, my boyfriend is working and unable to come into town. I feel sick because all of these things are causing me pain. Like the deep in your chest pain that makes you too sick to sleep or think or speak. I HATE this feeling. The feeling that my entire world has exploded into little prickly needles stabbing at my heart. I was almost successful in ignoring all of my feelings about my life. I have tried everything possible to numb or kill the pain. I have tried food, denial, community service, drowning myself in my boyfriend and finally I have come to reality.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Your feelings. Oh. Go away.
I wish I had made some sort of progress in the last 2 years. I had grand dreams of becoming self-aware and ready to take on the universe. Instead, I am miserable with myself. I love my personality and talents, but the way I treat Me is ridiculous. As if I had not suffered enough from my emotionally devoid childhood and marriage…I keep setting up the same scenario over and over again. Emotionally unavailable men and emotionally unavailable Me.
I wonder what I am missing out on while I pretend to be happy and “play” relationship. I wonder what I could have that is part of a real life…. if I can just get out of mine.