I have continued with my resolution to avoid dating sites. They are full of unavailable men. Don’t think I am being critical, because these are my people! I am most comfortable dealing with men on the fringe. Not to say that they don’t pass for mainstream…some do and some don’t, but I seem to provide a haven for all who can’t walk in the normal lane of life.
This brings me to my latest query: Why am I so willing to allow this unavailability from people and men especially? Maybe I am emotionally unavailable at times. In general, I find I become too easily attached to men. I am at ease with bizarre habits and behavior. I have always found my place among people who are brilliant, funny artistic and yes, possess a flair for theatrics. Maybe it is the musician in me that chooses these kindred spirits. I think about it a lot these days because the dating site allowed me to have a little microcosm of my universe all squished into a month. I am gifted with identifying patterns and a definite pattern emerged: men who are hyper-sexual, non-committal and bizarre. (Sort of like the Neopolitan ice cream of MMM’s treat shop.)
I am currently seeing (?) a man I call Rico Suave. He calls me his coconut candy, referring to my white skin. He is shorter than me when I am wearing my heels. (This weirds me out.) He barely speaks English. (I have to sidebar-say this is probably in the “pros” list. Sorry. True fact, though.) He is beautiful in an exotic sense. I say he has a “beautiful spirit”. Yes, I am a person who often categorizes men by what they make my heart feel or by their perceived “spirit”. I had an ex that said when I start to refer to “My Heart” in third person, it is truly time to shush and just listen. Tears will fall if I am not heard. My heart feels things about people and often instantly adores them. I have a list of men who My Heart believes are my soulmates. My Heart believes that we have more than one soulmate. Anyway, Rico is not a soulmate, yet, but I can’t figure out what has led me to him. He does not call or text regularly (despite my complaints.) He works a low-paying, unpredictable job and has no aspirations to live anywhere or do anything except stay in bed. He has body odor and apparently the Country of Latin Lovers does not promote deodorant with all that gorgeous culture they have going on. I wonder what I am thinking about when I agree to see him. Actually, I know what I am thinking. I am thinking his accent could melt butter. I am thinking that Latino-Land must have an indigenous rhythm that runs through the veins of its people. (Oops…blanked out for a second thinking of that…) I think I will manage to reduce my effort of making contact because it is too disappointing to me to deal with his inconsistent contact.
I have a theory about this parade of unavailable men: I think it is easier to know your disappointment rather than discover it while you are building sandcastles. If I know that these men will not measure up to be relationship material, then I have managed to avoid a rejection that I would care about from the beginning. The secret is that I do care. I have a huge ability to appreciate the good in people. In the end, the pain of being rejected or disappointed by a man I know is not my type, is much worse than losing at a love I was really interested in for my future.