They’re telling me to go to rehab….
I said….Ok, good idea.
Y’all, I have had a dating site relapse! I am waking up with the kind of hangover where you smell vomit somewhere in your room…look for it and can’t find it…then crawl back into bed only to discover it’s in your hair. Don’t judge. You know what I am talking about!
I have dated so many goobers, nerds, losers, him-whores and crazies to fill an entire smoky bar. I think it is probably the stress from watching my entire career disintegrate. Preceded by the disintegration of my ten-year marriage and dissolution of my family’s and friends’ obligation to care. I am at rock bottom: face-down, one-eye- open, smelling-the-vomit-in my- hair and crying- my-eyes-out rock bottom. (Whew! That was intense!)
I have the bitter after taste in my mouth of too many men groping, kissing and touching me, rejecting and insulting my intelligence. I am EXHAUSTED. I can’t go back and I can’t seem to get out of the mud. I hate “stuck”…it’s such an ugly place to be. I can’t seem to find that tipping point that leads me to stop the crazy dating. I am so alone, it’s like any company, however strange and bizarre, is better than none. I sound pathetic, but I am not exaggerating. Something occurred in my life 2 years ago that keeps me on the outskirts of life. I am in the same routine, but like a ghost walking the steps of what I used to do. I do not understand why people think that divorce means abandon ship! How can you call yourself a friend when you are disinterested in how a person is doing. A person who carried you at times you couldn’t walk. Anyway, I am focusing on forgiveness there, but even forgiveness doesn’t change the fact that I am alone. I am not afraid of myself. I am not afraid of being alone. I am afraid that I am always energy-out with no energy-in refueling my spirit and mind.