Here is the reality of my Duds-ville dating Disaster: I feel like I need to update y’all on the myriad of men that disappoint. I think I have set an all-time record low on man selection!
Professor Poetry: Yikes! He was an odd man. I think his confession about his cat “girlfriend”and his bizarre, Middle School Jump-my-Bones approach to seduction was creepy-ish. I have never heard from him and hope I never, ever do. He should be embarrassed. It seems like a PhD would earn you the reasoning ability to figure out how to attract a woman. I guess not!
Super Trooper: Hang on to your hats here people…Super Trooper stalked me to the point he discovered a google plus page I didn’t even remember having! I finally convinced him to give me his full name and discovered that his wife has been dead 3 months. Seriously?! A man is stalking me 3 months after he buried his wife. Okay, no explanation needed for that weird situation. His contact was bizarre and became more and more like a chess game. He seemed to enjoy analyzing me and pretending to control and manipulate me. This man is very familiar and I recognize his M.O. Today I texted him and told him I was looking for someone else. Of course, I had no response, as he had already started to retreat after telling me his name. He knows I now know his secret. What he doesn’t know is that I REALLY know his secret: I have dated “him” a million times before. So long, Super Trooper!
BMOC: Oh this one is hilarious! So, he texts me and asks me out on Thursday. By Friday morning, I haven’t heard from him, so I text and ask if we are going out. He responds with somewhat cryptic language and sarcasm. I laugh, because what he doesn’t know is that I don’t care. At this point, I was still in the Super Trooper fog of denial. I told BMOC to call me because we seemed to be mis-communicating through text. He called me after work, was very short with me and abruptly stated “Well that is it. See you later, have a safe drive.” Huh?! So, I went home and took off my clothes, deciding that I would cancel the date. I put off calling or texting because, let’s be honest, I have a curiosity problem. So, I drove to his demanded location (45 minutes away) and parked outside of the Chic Martini Bar he selected as our date. I walked into the bar, on the phone, but hung up and spotted him immediately. I passed right by him and he never batted an eye. I knew it was him. He looked up at me as if he never expected me to really show up. I had to say to him:”Hey. It’s Me.” I was thinking, I could walk right back out, but I didn’t. BMOC was seated at the bar where there was no privacy, in a bar full of cozy spaces (Which is where he had told me to look for him: “I will find us a quiet sitting area.”) The bartender overheard every word we uttered and it made for such an awkward moment! BMOC was glued to the television watching sports and commented on how he knew I hated sports. I tried to make conversation. I mentioned work, the area, his job transfer, the weather…. and then…..I quit. I stared at the TV and half-heartedly pretended to watch the game. He stared at my boobies, looked at my legs and feet. I could see him staring creepily out of the corner of my eye. Then BMOC came up with a conversation- starter- wanna-be of his own: “Do you have any collectibles?” Ah What? I asked him to repeat the question. I am sure I looked puzzled. The only collectible I could think of was Strawberry Shortcake. Flashback: 80’s memorabilia. I had the whole gang: SS, Blueberry Muffin, Apple Dumpling, Huckleberry Pie….oh you get the picture! My Memories are interrupted by his announcement that he collects *drumroll please* shot glasses. Wow. College flashback soon to follow. BMOC begins to tell me how he is a Foster Dad to Foster Dogs from the Animal Shelter and that he has to get up early to go sell a dog. He asks me to cancel my diet coke I just ordered, tells the bartender we are on separate tabs (My tab was $7.00) and he proceeds to leave. He asks if he can walk me to my car and I decline, but he insists. He tries to hug me goodbye, but I do the stiffen my body-turn to unlock my car- move and manage to escape with minimal hugging. He said something I don’t remember and I shouted, “Go sell a dog tomorrow! have fun.” (I was grasping at small talk versus any kind of encouraging goodbye.) The time of this date from start to finish? 38 minutes. Yep, It took me longer to drive home than the entire date lasted. I suspect that he walked back to his dorm across the street. As I drove off, I saw him *pretending* to unlock a car. I blocked him from the dating site and really feel like he was a budding serial killer. I am thinking I was too much woman for him as I am not a twig. He was probably trying to calculate how long it would take to saw me up with a hacksaw. [That girl is big! Her boobies alone could take hours to chop up!] Abandon plan!
Today I have been sick and on painkillers, so it prompted me to text the group of lingerers as amusement. Side bar: I have yet another very bad habit. I like to push an awkward situation that I don’t really care about. I find it interesting to see how far people are willing to spar to debate or be manipulated. On painkillers, this terrible quality gets amplified. So I texted Mr I Have a Job and asked him why he was mad at me. (I know why he is mad. I blew him off publically and granted, that was bitchy. I don’t like hot and cold and it makes me do Bad things.) I also texted Golden Oldie and asked him why he is ignoring me. Oh dear, that was a mistake. It lead to me having to have a pretend real conversation about feelings, destiny, rainbows and unicorns. Oh Gawd, I hate feelings talk when it’s just been sex. I also texted Super Trooper and attempted a small guilt trip about his decision to RUN. LOL This made me giggle because we both know he is a crazy stalker. My best friend and I laugh because we are both the type who do these things for amusement. where most people would try to have their pride, I find a social experiment. Anyway, that is how this dating site story ends. I am going back into man-candy recovery…back on my man diet…and back to my 2012 Strawberry Shortcake collectibles.