Sunday Morning Confessions…

Hopeful. HOPE-FULL. Full of hope.

I am working on this concept. I remember what it was like to feel it every morning. Today I feel better about where I am in life. I am working out the details for my unveiling of Mr. Loves Being Loved’s undoing. But, I feel peaceful and hopeful about my future possibilities for happiness. Now I have an awareness; an understanding of the subtlety of a man who sneaks in, rearranges my life (with my permission) and then decides it’s too boring for him. I can recognize the charm that conceals his intentions. But the question is, can he recognize the kindness that conceals my contempt? Or the ego-building that is in progress in order for me to deconstruct his comfort zone?

Friends, I have a confession to make. I have a terrible, awful, not-very-pretty habit: Whenever I feel bad about myself or my life I have a very peculiar habit. I feel bad, so I try to make someone else feel good. Now, if you read this at face-value it sounds awesome. However, the main point is that I do not have to mean what I say. I find it comforting to compliment people. I like to build people up and boost their egos and make them feel good. What makes you feel better than a compliment? Usually I focus on something true, but when I start to run out of truths….I will just project something on to you. So there is a danger in internalizing what I say. A compliment may or may not be factual. And I am not talking about saying things like “Your shirt is nice” or “you are so sweet. ” I have a knack for zeroing in on people’s insecurities. So, a compliment is best crafted to address those areas. Mr. LBL feels like he is under appreciated by his wife, so my compliments go in the direction of him being a superhero or not being able to live without him. Mr. Loves Being Loved…well, he loves being loved. LOL So, if I create a little world where he is the center, then he feels safe and happy. I like him to feel safe and happy because I love him. I just wish I had the capacity to be as in awe of him as I say I am. Impossible, because I am jaded from years of men like him who mistake kindness for stupidity and compliments for dependency. Actually, my compliments are a mask to hide my own feelings. Complimenting him keeps him from noticing how I feel. It’s a facade because I really think that Mr. Loves being Loved is cheating his wife and himself and me out of having real happiness with real compliments that are true.

One day, I will meet someone who inspires authentic compliments for more than a few months. One day, Mr. Loves Being Loved will realize his wife does not worship him because he is not worthy of being worshiped. The truths of our relationship will help reveal these things, and that makes me hopeful.

By the way, you are such a good listener and I am thankful to have you reading this and taking time to analyze and consider what I write. You are really good at that. You know, I think you have a special talent for seeking and finding new information that gives your life an extra advantage, That’s because you are naturally curious and like to learn new things. Thank you for that.

Love Y’all!

Maribel ❤

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Posted in advice, anger, break up, confessions, Divorce, Funny, girlfriends, girls, Humor, insight, laughter, Life, Love, Men, Narcissism, Psychology, Regret, Relationships, Sarcasm, Uncategorized, Women | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Fussin-Fightin & Feudin

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Hello, beautiful readers! I have missed y’all and can’t wait to share my latest dating misadventure! I have a little story to tell about man named Hillbilly J. So, here I am just skipping down Life’s Lane, when all of a sudden I hear a very sexy soothing voice in the distance: “Howdy, pretty lady! I am gonna be the man of yer dreams!” Well, Miss Maribel Maeve cannot say no to that delicious offer! “Well, ok Hillbilly J, please DO take me for a very long and not at all fun ride on your donkey, Sir!” Hillbilly J has been jacking Miss Maribel Maeve around for 6 weeks! How odd that a Hillbilly would take the trouble to come all the way down his great big mountain (Mt Ego) just to take MMM for a ride. But, Dearest Reader, I tell you the truth…cross my heart…Hillbilly J had a hankerin’ to lie to and deceive a city girl. Well, I ‘ll be! (Southernism, Y’all). Apparently, his life is a mess and he needed a girl to drag through all that yucky mud with him. I will never figure out what it is that makes me the Narcissist Ambassador. Welcome, Narcissists, I speak your language. The dance is the same even if it’s done barefooted to dueling banjos. Build me up, give me lots of attention, tell me you love me, grow tired of giving me attention, find a new target, start being mean, vanish. Yep, that’s the routine. Well, get along on down the trail, because Miss Maribel Maeve knows a jackass when she smells one. (Bless his heart)

Love y’all,
MMM

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Posted in Adventure, advice, anger, Arrogance, choices, Con Men, confessions, Dating, Dating Sites, Decisions, Ego, feelings, Funny, girlfriends, Humor, insight, Life, Love, Men, Narcissism, Psychology, Relationships, sadness, Sarcasm, Women | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Boomerang…Crikey!

Sometimes you just have to wrestle’em and throw ’em back!

I threw him out. He returned. I threw him out. He returned. He threw me out. I returned.

Watch out! He’s coming back!

You get the idea. One of those disgusting-to-watch relationships where one of the two participants is nice and the other is a selfish Crocodile. (But, the nice one never notices the dangerous dance.) Crikey!

My most recent Boomerang relationship ended on Tuesday. The End. C’est Fini! Done. I really feel relieved that it is over. There is a sadness in loving someone who never truly loved you back. But there is a freedom in turning and walking away…maybe running…from his hateful world.

Narcissists: 1 million     MMM: 0

I took 7 months too long to throw that Croc back in the river. I hope he is gone, gone, gone. If not, I am ready for an attack, armed with my Silent treatment spray and strict orders of No-Contact. I think we all know what kind of crazy relationship you have with a Toothy-Grinny Narc. They love themselves, they bite you. They love themselves, they bite you. It’s very predictable. What is a mystery, is why I stayed so long.

I am going to refocus now. My adventure begins with me meeting my own needs. I have done several things this week that will, hopefully, replenish my body. I have lost so much with this relationship that I need to start with basic needs first. This reminds me of an Outback Survivor mission. I will need a canteen, bug-repellent, a torch, my lip gloss and heels…you know, the survival stuff.  I have found out that I have some serious health issues that need to be my main concern. I have known of my health problems since October and have chosen to ignore them, choosing instead to focus on Mr. Worldwide’s health & happiness. Friday, I put my survival plan into action and actually went to a Doctor to take care of  MY needs.

I want to write about my health issues, but not tonight. Miss Maribel Maeve has too many things on her mind. The most important thing on my mind (after my health) is writing here. Writing brings me such comfort and my readers here are the ABSOLUTE best! I hope that you all have been enjoying your adventures. I will be back soon to share my new journey with everyone! G’day, Mates!

Much Love,

Maribel Maeve

They really DON’t make good pets!

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Hello, Old Friend, Please Don’t Eat Me!

I don’t even believe in a real love that lasts anymore.

How terrible to feel hopeless about ever being able to keep a love. I am willing to admit it is partially my fault. I don’t choose love wisely. I attach to the man who puts in the least amount of effort. I think I hide in love. I put on the cloak of someone else and hide from reality. Maybe I find peace and anonymity in my new cloak. But, as time passes, I want myself again. I get an itchy scratchy feeling that makes me want to rip off my clothes and run for the closest river. I need myself. As much as I want to drown her, hide her, kill her and punish her; I love parts of her so much.

My latest Man Candy Crazy has told me that I have “stolen” every holiday from him over our past year-long relationship. It feels jolting to have someone describe my fondest memories as a crime of injustice. Injustice against his Narcissistic need to be “alone” on holidays and weekends. This Man is from another country, has no relatives here and I have been his family for a year. This is Stupid Me, as usual. You see, I have a problem where I see a man alone and believe he wants a happy life, too. I think if I am a reliable, loving girlfriend, then he will, of course reciprocate. It takes an angry fight with him to find out that the life I have been nurturing and creating for us was MY fantasy. Alone. He values being independent and solitude at all times, while I valued connection and bonds.

Here is where I begin to scream inside: I am not so sure I really value that connection. Perhaps, my cloak is what conceals my desires from myself. Years with Narcissists have worn me down and warped my idea of how lovers behave. This emotionally unavailable Narcissist theme is prevalent in my life. Apparently, I believe that unavailable men are secretly susceptible to my love and will suddenly love me and only me.  I never have a conscious recognition that these men are unavailable, but they are always the same. My  ridiculous gift for feeding egos is like a mating call for the rarely-seen-by-most Beast: The Narcissist! And he is seen grazing in his natural habitat: MY BEDROOM.

So, Mr. Worldwide explains that he prefers to be alone and does not want to be a part of my White people world (his term). He also says that if I fix myself, he wants to stay in the relationship. Oh dear. That is troubling, indeed. It is amazing how if I go fix myself not to need anything from him, I can have the glorious honor of his presence in my life. (Although, clearly NOT on holidays, weekends or any other day deemed too interesting to include me.)

Today, we had a discussion about my ongoing insistence of asking him to actively participate in my life. Tut tut, I should be ashamed! I recognize this face. I almost wanted to say “Well hello, old Friend! I suspected you were lurking in there, but now I know for sure. My dear, familiar nemesis, The Narcissist. Welcome home, Sir, welcome home.”

Now, kindly leave and please don’t eat me.

Posted in anger, Bad Break Up, break up, choices, Con Men, confessions, Ego, feelings, Funny, Holidays, insight, Love, Men | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Familiar Old Dirt Road

It’s hard to believe that time has found me stuck on the side of this familiar dirt road, sitting on my suitcase, stuffed full of dirty laundry and makeup. I am grimy and travel-weary. One year later, I am nowhere. I have been sitting on this suitcase, tucking back in the tiny bits of fabric that find their way out to be seen. No unpacking ever happens. No sorting of this laundry; never washing or refolding.  Only stuffing and tucking in takes place here. I wonder where I was going. If I remember correctly, it was a beautiful, brilliant place that I chose to visit. Oh well, I guess I never made it off this old dirt and loose gravel road. I can taste the grit in my teeth and the dirt in my eye is irritating. Sometimes I imagine a clean, cool diner where I can get off this road to sit and listen to some good music. I can hear ,in my imagination, the songs that inspire me to tap my red high heels on a glossy floor. I always wanted to be in a real diner, with a soda fountain and a cute car hop rollerskating around to a catchy tune. Maybe some gorgeous hunk would grab me for a spin in the center of the room, tap the jukebox and take my breath away as we dance. I smile just thinking about the squeaky clean dream and the happiness of  food and dancing. But reality is persistent and I find myself bare-footed, dress piled up on my dirty knees, sweating through my panties and bra on this damned dirt road to nowhere.  Somehow I am stuck. I hate stuck. I hate dirt. I wish you would come by and put my suitcase in your trunk.  Then you could take off my dirty dress and my panties that are sticking to me like old glue. You could lift me up and put me down in a bath tub. That would be like a slice of Heaven to be naked in a cool bubble bath with you fixing me a cold glass of coca-cola. Heaven on Earth for a girl stranded in the steamy sun on a dirt road I have been walking for 20 years…going nowhere, as you would have it.

Posted in advice, Bad Break Up, break up, choices, Con Men, confessions, Dating, Decisions, feelings, insight, Life, Love, Men, Regret, Relationships, sadness, stuck | Tagged , , , | 3 Comments

3rd verse….Same as the 1st

Tonight I feel physically sick. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach that I am in a mess that is going to be hard to fix. I am unemployed, not by choice. I am alone on a holiday because my kids are with their Dad. And to add to my misery, my boyfriend is working and unable to come into town. I feel sick because all of these things are causing me pain. Like the deep in your chest pain that makes you too sick to sleep or think or speak. I HATE this feeling. The feeling that my entire world has exploded into little prickly needles stabbing at my heart. I was almost successful in ignoring all of my feelings about my life. I have tried everything possible to numb or kill the pain. I have tried food, denial, community service, drowning myself in my boyfriend and finally I have come to reality.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Your feelings. Oh. Go away.

I wish I had made some sort of progress in the last 2 years. I had grand dreams of becoming self-aware and ready to take on the universe. Instead, I am miserable with myself. I love my personality and talents, but the way I treat Me is ridiculous. As if I had not suffered enough from my emotionally devoid childhood and marriage…I keep setting up the same scenario over and over again. Emotionally unavailable men and emotionally unavailable Me.

I wonder what I am missing out on while I pretend to be happy and “play” relationship. I wonder what I could have that is part of a real life…. if I can just get out of mine.

Posted in advice, anger, Arrogance, break up, confessions, Dating, Decisions, Divorce, Ego, feelings, insight, Life, Love, Men, Regret, Relationships, sadness, Women | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Baggage Reclaim – The Dating & Relationship blog | relationship advice | emotional unavailability | commitment | self-esteem | dating advice | communication in relationships | being the other woman

Baggage Reclaim – The Dating & Relationship blog | relationship advice | emotional unavailability | commitment | self-esteem | dating advice | communication in relationships | being the other woman.

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The Truth of What I am Trying to Ignore

I am trying to start a BS diet. (NML my blogging guru at Baggage Reclaim created this concept.) So, here goes:

Him. He is too far away. I never hear from him during the day except on weekends. On weekends, if I don’t travel to him and/or make the plans for us to be together, then it doesn’t happen. I want someone to talk to at the end of the day. (And also at the beginning of the day.) I want someone who checks in on my day just to say hi. I know his job and his life don’t allow for this constant contact. I understand that he does not have the ability to give me more attention and to be more of a partner to me. What I don’t understand is why I ever thought that was okay. How is it that I have created this situation where half-ass is enough? I fought my way out of a miserable marriage to be begging for water in the desert. This sucks. That’s not BS. THIS SUCKS.

I love how I feel when we are together. I love the peace that is his and that he shares with me. I love everything I know about him. I love him. Except that he doesn’t have time for me. He doesn’t have time for us.

BS Diet fact: I want an us. I want time. I want more than he can give right now. I am not sure where that leaves things.

Posted in advice, confessions, insight, Life, Love, Men, Relationships, Uncategorized, Women | Tagged , , , , , | 4 Comments

MMM tweets!

Follow me…and let me know if you are wanting followers, too! Miss Y’all 🙂 Be back soon…LOVE YOU! MMM ❤

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Coconut Candy Gram: Get the hell out of this mess now!

I have continued with my resolution to avoid dating sites. They are full of unavailable men. Don’t think I am being critical, because these are my people!  I am most comfortable dealing with men on the fringe. Not to say that they don’t pass for mainstream…some do and some don’t,  but  I seem to provide a haven for all who can’t walk in the normal lane of life.

This brings me to my latest query: Why am I so willing to allow this unavailability from people and men especially? Maybe I am emotionally unavailable at times. In general, I find I become too easily attached to men. I am at ease with bizarre habits and behavior. I have always found my place among people who are brilliant, funny artistic and yes,  possess a flair for theatrics. Maybe it is the musician in me that chooses these kindred spirits. I think about it a lot these days because the dating site allowed me to have a little microcosm of my universe all squished into a month. I am gifted with identifying patterns and a definite pattern emerged: men who are hyper-sexual, non-committal and bizarre. (Sort of like the Neopolitan ice cream of MMM’s treat shop.)

I am currently seeing (?) a man I call  Rico Suave. He calls me his coconut candy, referring to my white skin. He is shorter than me when I am wearing my heels. (This weirds me out.) He barely speaks English. (I have to sidebar-say this is probably in the “pros” list. Sorry. True fact, though.) He is beautiful in an exotic sense. I say he has a “beautiful spirit”. Yes, I am a person who often categorizes men by what they make my heart feel or by their perceived “spirit”. I had an ex that said when I start to refer to “My Heart” in third person, it is truly time to shush and just listen. Tears will fall if I am not heard. My heart feels things about people and often instantly adores them. I have a list of men who My Heart believes are my soulmates. My Heart believes that we have more than one soulmate. Anyway, Rico is not a soulmate, yet, but I can’t figure out what has led me to him. He does not call or text regularly (despite my complaints.) He works a low-paying, unpredictable job and has no aspirations to live anywhere or do anything except stay in bed. He has body odor and apparently the Country of Latin Lovers does not promote deodorant with all that gorgeous culture they have going on. I wonder what I am thinking about when I agree to see him. Actually, I know what I am thinking. I am thinking his accent could melt butter. I am thinking that Latino-Land must have an indigenous rhythm that runs through the veins of its people. (Oops…blanked out for a second thinking of that…) I think I will manage to reduce my effort of making contact because it is too disappointing to me to deal with his inconsistent contact.

 

I have a theory about this parade of unavailable men: I think it is easier to know your disappointment rather than discover it while you are building sandcastles. If I know that these men will not measure up to be relationship material, then I have managed to avoid a rejection that I would care about from the beginning. The secret is that I do care. I have a huge ability to appreciate the good in people. In the end, the pain of being rejected or disappointed by a man I know is not my type, is much worse than losing at a love I was really interested in for my future.

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A Man’s Worth: Corporate Bullying

I am heartbroken. I received the news an hour ago that a friend of mine committed suicide this evening. I am angry, sad, frustrated and exhausted all at once. Let me back up and tell this amazing man’s story.

He was one of the most physically beautiful men I have ever known. He worked out like a body builder, played sports semi-professionally and ate a healthy diet. We worked for the same company and I met him through my job. My first position with this Cannibalistic Company was a terror. This man would help me get things done that I couldn’t have gotten done without him. He would show up and help. I didn’t have to ask or explain; I turned around at the grill where I was doing a huge cookout at a local park, and literally ran into him cooking my burgers for me. He had stopped his job, drove 15 miles to stand in the blazing heat to help me. That was his heart: beautiful, giving, open and kind. His smile could stop traffic. I know for sure it stopped my breath. There was an ongoing joke that the only reason I came to meetings was to look at him. Guilty as charged! This man had the same position I had, basically. It was what I call a cardiac killer: 24/7 Crisis-oriented, underpaid, no support, no glory, just WORK. I transferred out, demoted myself 3 levels and managed to retain my salary (crappy as it is)  because of the low-down dirty schemes I was able to document to HR.

About a month after I left, I got a call saying they had found him on the floor of his bedroom suffering from a stroke. He was in the ICU for months, but finally came home. He could barely walk and used a cane to get around. Eventually, he returned to work, but was thin and quiet and changed from Goliath on the outside to a man who looked sad and frail. But, wounded Goliath would smile, or say something funny and all I saw was the giant who stood before me. In fact, he was stronger because he had beaten the odds. A killer stroke had been survived and he was alive. However I saw him didn’t matter because he was shutting down inside. I found it hard to get him to interact and he seemed to want to be left alone.

I changed positions again and moved to another location. I found out about 3 months later that the management (READ: ASSHOLES) had HR send a lady to follow him around because he wasn’t able to travel due to his impairment with walking. I can’t imagine the humiliation that this man felt at being watched all day to prove he could not do his job. And lets be honest, that is what it was: a Modern Day Witch Hunt for a “Crippled” Man. Nevermind that this beastly company piled so much stress on him it caused a stroke. Disregard the fact that for years he was their “go-to” guy who always saved the day.  I received a whispered phone call from a manager the day they finally ran him out. The manager said, “Well, it’s done. We had to force him to leave. We told him he could be fired or he could go. It sucked but the company needed someone who could do the job.” This is a big company, surely there was a paper-pushing position for him somewhere. (God knows I have a lot of paperwork.)  I was angry and said so.

About a month later, I was at lunch with a friend who told me he had been found sitting in the Houston airport (Hours away by several connecting flights)  with his cane. Unable to walk another step to board a plane or go back home at all. I asked if he would talk to anyone and she told me no, that he was avoiding all contact. I couldn’t help wondering if he had something to do, some job, would he have been okay?

Tonight I received the call that he had killed himself. I don’t know the details and I am not sure I can handle them right now. I am sick. This company sucks the life out of you, literally. How can a company turn a blind eye to the overworking of it’s employees? I nearly came to blows with people today over their attitudes. I have overheard upper management laughing at the fact that I passed out from a panic attack and my co-worker across the hall had a stroke on the same day. My boss’s boss was teasing her saying how she’s so tough she makes people have strokes and pass out.  I am remembering that tonight. The school-bully cruelty that is prevalent in this company is disgusting. Now what if I told you that this company is in a field that repairs people’s lives. The very basis of the company involves “do no harm”. The irony is not lost on this girl. But this Girl has lost the point of it all. How does it benefit a company to fill it’s employees with disdain and burn them out? I don’t have the answers, but I do have some new questions.

Rest in peace, my beautiful friend. I know you are in Heaven, big and strong and flashing that Goliath smile.

Posted in anger, Bullying, Corporate, feelings, Regret, revenge, Suicide | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment