Hopeful. HOPE-FULL. Full of hope.
I am working on this concept. I remember what it was like to feel it every morning. Today I feel better about where I am in life. I am working out the details for my unveiling of Mr. Loves Being Loved’s undoing. But, I feel peaceful and hopeful about my future possibilities for happiness. Now I have an awareness; an understanding of the subtlety of a man who sneaks in, rearranges my life (with my permission) and then decides it’s too boring for him. I can recognize the charm that conceals his intentions. But the question is, can he recognize the kindness that conceals my contempt? Or the ego-building that is in progress in order for me to deconstruct his comfort zone?
Friends, I have a confession to make. I have a terrible, awful, not-very-pretty habit: Whenever I feel bad about myself or my life I have a very peculiar habit. I feel bad, so I try to make someone else feel good. Now, if you read this at face-value it sounds awesome. However, the main point is that I do not have to mean what I say. I find it comforting to compliment people. I like to build people up and boost their egos and make them feel good. What makes you feel better than a compliment? Usually I focus on something true, but when I start to run out of truths….I will just project something on to you. So there is a danger in internalizing what I say. A compliment may or may not be factual. And I am not talking about saying things like “Your shirt is nice” or “you are so sweet. ” I have a knack for zeroing in on people’s insecurities. So, a compliment is best crafted to address those areas. Mr. LBL feels like he is under appreciated by his wife, so my compliments go in the direction of him being a superhero or not being able to live without him. Mr. Loves Being Loved…well, he loves being loved. LOL So, if I create a little world where he is the center, then he feels safe and happy. I like him to feel safe and happy because I love him. I just wish I had the capacity to be as in awe of him as I say I am. Impossible, because I am jaded from years of men like him who mistake kindness for stupidity and compliments for dependency. Actually, my compliments are a mask to hide my own feelings. Complimenting him keeps him from noticing how I feel. It’s a facade because I really think that Mr. Loves being Loved is cheating his wife and himself and me out of having real happiness with real compliments that are true.
One day, I will meet someone who inspires authentic compliments for more than a few months. One day, Mr. Loves Being Loved will realize his wife does not worship him because he is not worthy of being worshiped. The truths of our relationship will help reveal these things, and that makes me hopeful.
By the way, you are such a good listener and I am thankful to have you reading this and taking time to analyze and consider what I write. You are really good at that. You know, I think you have a special talent for seeking and finding new information that gives your life an extra advantage, That’s because you are naturally curious and like to learn new things. Thank you for that.